Aur phir paDhtaa bhi kaun hai?

Film: OMG: Oh My God!

Year of release: 2012

Spoken by: Kanji Lalji Mehta (Paresh Rawal)

Spoken to: Dinesh Gandhi (Jaineeraj Rajpurohit)

Dialogue writer: Bhavesh Mandalia 

One of the best Hindi films of the 21st century. Doubt if this would have released if it was made three years later AND without Paresh Rawal. The fact that this movie happened is thus an Act of God!

Kanji bhai has a shop where he sells artefacts and antiques largely related to god. However he himself is an atheist. During an earthquake Kanji's shop is destroyed. However he is unperturbed. As he (like a rational man) has insured his shop from such perils. He takes the insurance papers and goes to the office of the insurance company (Saral Jeevan Insurance Company) to file a claim for indemnification from the loss. The insurance officer (Dinesh Gandhi) says

"Mr. Kanji, I am sure, ki policy sign karte vaqt, terms and conditions to aapne Thiik se paDhe hi honge?"

A smiling Kanji shoots back, 

"nahii.n bilkul nahii.n. Aapke officer ne kahaa ki jidhar chaukDi kiya hai udhar sign karo. To vahaan kar diya maine".

The officer says,

"How irresponsible you are!"

A slightly perturbed Kanji now asks,

"kya hua sir?"

Officer Dinesh then reads out the "act of god clause" and shows Kanji his signature at the bottom of the document. 

In his defence, Kanji says, 

"ye chiinTi se bhi chhoTe chhoTe aksharon mein likhaa hua hai. Aur phir paDhtaa bhi kaun hai?"

"ये चींटी से भी छोटे छोटे अक्षरों में लिखा हुआ है. और फिर पढ़ता भी कौन है?"

Then he asks, 

"Ye act of god hai kya?"

But that's a whole different story!

But a great insight into the insurance industry and the way they behave when you claim. So don't be irresponsible and read the document before you sign. 

beTaa tumse naa ho paayegaa

Film: Gangs of Wasseypur

Year of release: 2012

Spoken by: Raamaadhiir Singh (Tigmanshu Dhulia)

Spoken to: His son J P Singh (Satyakam Anand)

Dialogue writer: Zeeshaan Qadri

The politician of Waaseypur is Mr. Ramadhir Singh. He believes the country will remain backward as long as the cinema thrives here. In one scene, his son comes and tells him about a gangland killing, while he is sitting with some respectable folks. Ramadhir dismisses him from his presence and later goes and scolds him for bringing up their gang connections openly. 

And then suddenly he remembers that he had been missing from home on the night before. So he asks,

RS: aur kal raat ko kahaan the?

JPS: sineemaa dekhne gaye the

RS: kaunsaa sineemaa?

JPS: dilwaale dulhaniyaa le jaayenge

And then comes the dialogue that has caught everybody's fancy

betaa...tumse naa ho paayegaa...hame.n tumhaare lachchan bilkul Thiik nahiin lag rahe hai.n, tumse naa ho paayegaa

बेटा...तुमसे ना हो पायेगा ...हमें तुम्हारे लच्छन बिलकुल ठीक नहीं लग रहे हैं, तुमसे ना हो पायेगा. 

aap jaise bole.n Biddaa madam

Film : Kahaani

Year of release : 2012

Ritesh Shah dialogue

Spoken by : Mr Das (Nitya Ganguly - Monalisa manager)

Spoken to : Vidya Bagchi (Vidya Roy Kapoor nee Balan)

Dialogue writer : Ritesh Shah

2012 provided so many films for me to enjoy and praise. My friends were starting to believe that I had become a 'negaholic'. This was one of the joys of 2012. The greatness of the film is the casting, whether it is the avuncular hit man or the pregnant protagonist or (as is the case here) the hotel manager. Each one is an actor (not a junior artist), and hence the script is enhanced by the performance.

In this scene Vidya Bagchi drags the policeman along to the hotel where she believed her husband Arnab Bagchi to have stayed. The perplexed hotel manager not quite sure how to react when he learns she has come from London, responds with a classic "Your majesty". The next day morning Vidya finds that there is no hot water in her room (as had been promised) and goes to the front desk to complain. Here is the exchange between her and Mr Das. A true gem.

"good morning your maj...good morning Biddaa madam."

"Biddaa nahee.n vidya v va not ba" "बिद्दा नहीं विद्या व व नॉट ब"

"aap jaise bole.n Biddaa madam" "आप जैसे बोलें बिद्दा मॅडम"

"kamre me.n garam paanii nahee.n aa rahaa" "कमरे में गर्म पानी नहीं आ रहा"

This has now become a classic in my friends circle and family. Note the sweet condescension with which Mr. Das accepts her request, at the same time stubbornly refuses to implement the change suggested. 

Use this prophylactically for healthy relationships!

Lekin aap bhii promise keejiye, aap kabhii English nahee.n bolenge

Film : Bol Bachchan

Year of release : 2012

Spoken by : Abbas Ali (Abhishek Bachchan)

Spoken to : Prithviraj Raghuvanshi (Ajay Devgn)

Dialogue writer : Farhad-Sajid

This is Rohit Shetty's most disappointing comedy till date. I found even his Sunday and All the best worthy of repeat viewing. This one was difficult to bear even one time. And he tried to base the premise of this film on Golmaal! The road to hell is paved with good intentions. 

In the climax, a car is dangling precariously on a cliff. Two men are hanging on to the car. Abbas and Prithviraj. Abbas is in greater danger of dropping down into the abyss below. However Prithviraj manages to grab his hand. While they both are precariously hanging, Prithviraj says that though he opposed Abbas, he actually is very proud of him. As his is wont throughout the film, he translates Hindi proverbs into English. So he translates 'merii chhaatii aur bhii chauDee ho gayee hai' as 'My chest has become blouse'. This leads to the educated Abbas coming up with this line. 

"Prithviji, mai.n aaindaa kabhii jhooTh nahee.n boloongaa. Lekin aap bhii promise keejiye, aap kabhii English nahee.n bolenge. Please haa.n, please."

"पृथिवीजी, मैं आइन्दा कभी झूठ नहीं बोलूंगा. लेकिन आप भी प्रॉमिस कीजिये, आप कभी इंग्लिश नहीं बोलेंगे. प्लीज़ हां, प्लीज़."

This line sums up the movie. Abbas tells lies (needlessly) and Prithvi speaks English (needlessly). 

Dar mat beTaa ye pulis kee vardii me.n pulis hee hai

Film : Paan Singh Tomar

Year of release : 2012

Spoken by : Inspector Rathore (Zakir Hussain)

Spoken to : Kidnapped boy (Unknown)

Dialogue writer : Tigmanshu Dhulia

This is a very good film and if you have not seen it you must.

Paan Singh Tomar has established himself as a famous dacoit, or 'baaGii' as he calls himself. He has now started the profitable activity of kidnapping for ransom. He is in cahoots with the police of many states and sometimes actually carries out assignments on their behalf! On such assignments they actually don the uniforms of the police forces. 

Inspector Rathore is chasing this dreaded dacoit and in one such operation manages to rescue a young boy who has been kidnapped.

He dresses up as a shepherd or goatherd and stops an Ambassador car (suspected to be the vehicle carrying the kidnapped boy) using his goats to block the road. Then he walks up to the car and shoots all the occupants dead. The other policemen come running. They open the 'dickie' or the boot of the car and find the boy trussed up there. The boy sees a lot of policemen and a shepherd standing before him and is very scared and confused. Inspector Rathore is still in mufti. He looks at him and says,

"Dar mat beTaa ye pulis kee vardii me.n pulis hee hai"

"डर मत बेटा ये पुलिस की वर्दी में पुलिस ही है"

By the way, there are lots of instances in metros where thugs wearing police uniforms con senior citizens. So it is always better to make sure by asking for some kind of id. Or making a confirmation call to 100 or 911 or whatever emergency number you call in your country. Nothing is what it seems anymore.