baap ka joota agar bachche ke paaon mein aa jaaye to phir vo bachcha nahin reh jaata pitaa ji

 Film: Desh Premee

Year of release: 1982

Spoken by: Raju (younger Amitabh Bachchan)

Spoken to: Master Dinanath (elder Amitabh Bachchan)

Dialogue writer: Kader Khan

The four goons of the "basti" (group of shanties) where Amitabh lives assault him. He fights back. Just then his father appears and realises that his son is also involved in illegal things. They get into an argument and thats when the younger Amitabh says

"baap ka joota agar bachche ke paaon mein aa jaaye to phir vo bachcha nahin reh jaata pitaa ji"

Appears 1 hr 36 minutes into the film

https://youtu.be/znTmaHW8PPg?t=5804

jo bhagvaan mein vishwaas rakhte hain, unka yeh zaraa Dhiilaa hotaa hai

 Film: Jyoti

Year of release: 1969

Spoken by: Nirmal (Sanjeev Kumar)

Spoken to: Radha (Nivedita)

Dialogue writer: BR Ishaara

A dutiful wife Radha takes a hot cup of tea to get her husband out of bed. This is the exchange between them. 

Nirmal: achchhaa ek baat bataao Raadhaa, tumhen itnii subah ThanDe paani mein nahaane mein takleef nahiin hotii? 

Raadhaa: arre vaah! binaa nahaaye bhi koi bhagvaan ki poojaa kartaa hai?

Nirmal: isiliye to main kehtaa hoon

Raadhaa: kyaa?

Nirmal: ke jo bhagvaan mein vishwaas rakhte hain, unka yeh (pointing to head) zaraa Dhiilaa hotaa hai.

In this film an extremely religious woman is married to an atheist. From there the story progresses. It has that beautiful Lata Manna duet Soch ke  ye gagan jhoome. 

Dare huye log aksar alfaazon ke peechhe chhupte hain

Film: Ae dil hai mushkil

Year of release: 2016

Spoken by: Tahir (Shahrukh Khan)

Spoken to: Ayaan (Ranbir Kapoor)

Dialogue writer: Karan Johar and Niranjan Iyengar

In one of his delightful cameos SRK, waltz in onto the duo of Ranbir and Aish and starts mouthing fabulous line. A sarcastic Ranbir asks SRK, do you write these lines and learn by heart? SRK says they are spontaneous utterances. Then pauses and utters this gem

Dare huye log, aksar alfaazon ke peechhe chhupte hain

डरे हुए लोग, अक्सर अल्फ़ाज़ों के पीछे छुपते हैं 

(scared people often hide behind words)

Rana qarz aur farz donon ko...ek hi nazar se nibhaataa hai

Film : Marte Dam Tak

Year of release : 1987

Spoken by : Rana (Raaj Kumar)

Spoken to : Jyoti Dayal (Farha Naaz)

Dialogue writer : K K Singh

Rana wants to kidnap his rival gang lord DK's brother Shakti Kapoor. He decides to use the honeytrap for this, since Shakti is fond of beautiful women. Jai (Govinda) suggests that his girl friend Jyoti be used for this purpose (what a cad!). Rana agrees, though with some reservations.

Once the job is done, Rana turns to Jyoti and says,

"ab hum...tumhaare qarzdaar hai.n laDkii. aur yaad rahe... Rana qarz aur farz donon ko...ek hi nazar se nibhaataa hai".
"अब हम...तुम्हारे क़र्ज़दार हैं लड़की. और याद रहे... राणा क़र्ज़ और फ़र्ज़ दोनों को...एक ही नज़र से निभाता है."

Wish Indian industrialists learn something from Rana!

Sir, yeh to TaTTii hai

Film: Delhi Belly

Year of release: 2011

Spoken by: Brajesh (Pradeep Kabra)

Spoken to: Somayaajulu or Cowboy (Vijay Raaz)

Dialogue writer: Akshat Verma 

Some lines are innocuous. But they take on a life of their own. Like 'Kitney Aadmi the' or 'Itna sannaaTa kyon hai bhai' or 'Teja main hoon mark idhar hai'. These lines are meaningless otherwise. This line is another such line which has become the subject of countless memes. A great example of talking truth to power. Cowboy (what a great name for a Don) is a tough don and has just discovered that he has been duped. A box of shit has been delivered to him instead of expensive diamonds. As the shit lays strewn over the expensive black cloth that had been laid for the diamonds, his close aide Brajesh decides to 'talk truth to power'. He decides that even the obvious needs calling out. Like the child who called out the naked Emperor. He conspiratorially whispers into Cowboy's ear,

"Sir, ye to TaTTii hai"

"सर, ये तो टट्टी है"

A frustrated Cowboy responds derisively with 

"Thank you...paeN ch**"

Interestingly when the film was remade into Tamil, the don was played by Nasser, but the don's sidekick remained the same - Pradeep Kabra. I guess they liked him so much. And of course, when it was dubbed into Telugu as Crazy, Pradeep Kabra is there as well. 

Rana ki shatranj ka ghoRaa, aRhaai chaal nahii.n chaltaa, seedhe raajaa ko maartaa hai

Film : Marte Dam Tak

Year of release : 1987

Spoken by : Rana (Raaj Kumar)

Spoken to : Gang members (Unknown)

Dialogue writer : K K Singh

DK (Om Puri) diverts a consignment of contraband that belongs to Rana. When Rana gets to hear the news, he grows angry and says,

"shaayad... DK jaantaa nahiin ki Rana ki shatranj ka ghoRaa, aRhaai chaal nahii.n chaltaa, seedhe raajaa ko maartaa hai"

"शायद...डी के जानता  नहीं कि राणा की शतरंज का घोड़ा, अढ़ाई चाल नहीं चलता, सीधे राजा को मारता है"

This is one level higher than this action, described elsewhere on this blog. 

Ye writer log yaa to baDe sanki hote hain, yaa baDe romantic ho jaate hain

 Film: Khamoshi

Year of release: 1969

Spoken by: Dr Colonel Saab (Nazir Hussain)

Spoken to: Nurse Radha (Waheeda Rehman)

Dialogue writer: Gulzar

This film was based on a Bangla short story called Nurse Mitra. It was a remake of Asit Sen's 1959 Bangla film Deep Jwele Jaaye. Suchitra Sen played the nurse in that. Savitri reprised that role in the Telugu remake Chivaraku MigilEdi (1960). Although Aradhana takes credit for having made Kishore the voice of Rajesh Khanna, Hemant Kumar revealed in an interview that Khamoshi should get that honour. The film was almost 3 years in the making, hence it released after Aradhana. What a lovely song that was! Woh shaam kuchh ajeeb thi. 

Nazir Hussain plays the head of the National Psychoanalytical Clinic in this film. He uses the affection of nurse Radha to cure patients suffering from acute mania. It works wonders with the patient Dev (Dharmendra). So he takes on another such patient Arun (Rajesh Khanna). While introducing the case history of Arun to Nurse Radha, Dr Saab says that Arun's case is quite similar to Dev's, but a key difference was that Arun was quite fond of writing plays, novels and poems. He quips that because of that, Nurse Radha should be careful with him. 

"Ye writer log yaa to baDe sanki hote hain, yaa baDe romantic ho jaate hain"

"ये राइटर लोग या तो बड़े सनकी होते हैं, या बड़े रोमांटिक हो जाते हैं" 

Gulzar taking pot shots at himself! 

naalaayaq, adharmi, duraachaari, vaamaachaari, bhrashTaachaari, bol sorry

Film: Jaane bhi do yaaro

Year of release: 1983

Spoken by: Tarneja (Pankaj Kapoor)

Spoken to: Ahuja (Om Puri)

Dialogue writer: Ranjit Kapoor and Satish Kaushik 

First, a rant. It is not jaane bhi do yaaron, it's jaane bhi do yaaro. There is no 'n' at the end. That done, back to the ranch. 

This film was of course a cult classic and the Mahabharat scene has probably given the country many meme worthy lines. I would not have put this line up if I had not recently seen a meme using this line wrongly. 

Then I searched for other sources. All of them were using the same version. Instead of vaamaachaari, they were all saying maamaachaari. Probably they thought they were all Iyengar names, so how does it matter. But the correct word is vaamaachaari. Vaamaachaar or left ritual is part of Tantra, where things like maamsa, madya, maithuna, matsya and mudra are indulged in. So many people consider it unacceptable. Hence the dialogue.

This line works beautifully when you are among friends and have to ask one of them to apologise. Of course, they will all laugh. Half of the people these days won't even know what all these words mean (except Naalaayaq). Of course if you haven't seen the Mahabharata scene, do see it. 

"नालायक़, अधर्मी, दुराचारी, वामाचारी, भ्रष्टाचारी, बोल सॉरी"

ye jo LOVE hai naa, LOVE, yeh, sirf, marvaataa hai

 Film: Lafangey Parindey

Year of release: 2010

Spoken by: Usmaan Bhai (Piyush Mishra)

Spoken to: Qasim (Kali Prasad Mukherjee)

Dialogue writer: Gopi Puthran

Usmaan senses that he is losing his sway over his pet boxer Nandu (Neil Nitin Mukesh). Hence he tells Qasim to ask the boxer from Vasai (Max) to meet him. Qasim protests, saying that Nandu had already defeated that boxer twice. 

"ab achchhaa hi hai. Gussaa aadmi se bahut kuchh karvaataa hai Qasim, aur...ye jo LOVE hai naa, LOVE, yeh, sirf, marvaataa hai".

"अब अच्छा ही है. ग़ुस्सा आदमी से बहुत कुछ करवाता है क़ासिम, और...ये जो लव है ना, लव, ये, सिर्फ़ मरवाता है."

 

ise kehte hain gangaajal mein gangaa poojaa

Film: Naram Garam

Year of release: 1981

Spoken by: Vishnuprasad (AK Hangal)

Spoken to: Bhawani Shankar Bajpai (Utpal Dutt)

Dialogue writer: Dr Rahi Masoom Raza

Bhawani Shankar goes to his village house to evict the Father-daughter duo who are illegally occupying his house. Vishnuprasad comes out to greet him and welcome him. 

Bhawani Shankar asks him to leave immediately. Vishnuprasad agrees but says, 

"aap mehmaan hain, mehmaan ka svaagat karnaa hamaara dharm hai. hamen apnaa dharm to nibhaa lene dijiye. aap baiThiye to sahi."

"main bhi kyaa, aapka makaan aur aap hi ko baiThne ke liye keh rahaa hoon. Ise kehte hain gangaajal mein gangaa poojaa."

"मैं भी क्या, आपका मकान और आप ही को बैठने के लिए कह रहा हूँ. इसे कहते हैं गंगाजल में गंगा पूजा"

1 hr 32 min into the film. 

Aap apnaa janeoo Dhak leejiye

Film : Hera Pheri 

Year of release : 1976 

Spoken by : Ajay (Vinod Khanna) 

Spoken to : Asha Khanna (SulakshaNa PanDit)

Dialogue writer: Satish Bhatnagar

Ajay saves Asha from some goons who are trying to molest her. He manages to scare them off. However, the goons have torn Asha's clothes. And the audience and Ajay can see the fat ugly bra strap that was common in the 1970s. But the line that Ajay delivers has to go down as a classic. He says

"aap apnaa janeoo Dhak leejiye" 

आप अपना जनेऊ ढक लीजिये" 

Whenever I am faced with such a situation, I cannot but help remember this line. Whether I use it or not depends on how well I know the person in question. But the line crops up nonetheless and brings a smile to the face.

apni zid aur apne zameer ko chhoD kar, baaqii sab kuchh bech diyaa

Film: Agar Tum na Hote

Year of release: 1983

Spoken by: Raj Bedi (Raj Babbar)

Spoken to: Ashok Mehra (Rajesh Khanna)

Dialogue writer: Ramesh Pant

Ashok Mehra is launching a range of cosmetics and hires a well-known photographer Raj Bedi for a total contract value of Rs 2.5 lacs. However Raj falls in love with his model Radha (Rekha) and decides that he cannot allow anyone to even see the photos that he has shot, let alone hand them over. This leads to the client (Ashok Mehra) threatening to file a police case. Raj lands up at Ashok's office with a briefcase. Ashok thinks he has buckled in and is handing over the photos and transparencies. But Raj reveals that the briefcase contains Rs 2.5 lacs in cash, which indemnifies the client in full from any possible loss. A surprised Ashok asks Raj,

"kyaa ham aapse poochh sakte hain ki aapne itni baDi raqam kaa intizaam, itni jaldi kaise kiyaa?"

After Munnabhai MBBS, any question that begins with "kya main poochh saktaa huun..." can have only one answer. "Nahiin".

But jokes apart, Raj retorts with this classic Ramesh Pant line. 

"apni zid aur apne zameer ko chhoD kar, baaqii sab kuchh bech diyaa"

"अपनी  ज़िद और अपने ज़मीर को छोड़ कर, बाक़ी सब कुछ बेच दिया"

You can watch this scene here.

ek age ke baad, DaanT khaane ki capacity kam ho jaati hai

 Film: The Accidental Prime Minister    

Year of release: 2019

Spoken by: Anupam Kher (Dr Manmohan Singh)

Spoken to: Akshaye Khanna (Sanjaya Baru)

Dialogue writer: Mayank Tewari (and 4 others)

This film will be always be a dark spot on Anupam Kher. Though he has gone over the top in some films, he has generally been a competent actor. In this film, in his desire to please certain people, he tries so hard to look stupid and spineless, that he really destroys the film single handedly. Many have categorised this film as pure propaganda. I think the film is better than that and even if they took a rookie actor from some wannabe acting school to play Dr MMS and remade the film - it will be a far better film. It's still not as bad as it was made out to be. Unfortunately the main actor completely misses the plot. However this dialogue resonates with me. As I grow older, I completely agree with it. Hence it needs a place on my blog. 

Although there is a disclaimer at the beginning that this is a fictionalised account and bears no resemblance to any real characters, I fail to understand what that means, when the characters are called Sonia Gandhi, P Chidambaram, Sanjaya Baru, Atal Bihari Vajpayee and Dr Manmohan Singh. But I will also play along and assume no such real characters exist. So a certain minister called Jairam Ramesh supposedly leaks a letter written by someone called Sonia Gandhi. An irate Prime Minister calls Jairam and remonstrates with him. He also warns him not to repeat it. As Jairam leaves, Sanjaya enters. Sanjaya asks,

"Sir, Jairam kaafi upset lag rahe the?"

Dr Manmohan Singh answers,

"ek age ke baad, DaanT khaane ki capacity kam ho jaati hai"

What a lovely insight! Delivered unfortunately in a lousy way by an otherwise competent actor. Such a tragedy. Just imagine how an Irrfan or Nawaaz would have delivered it. Or Anupam's current bete noire Naseer!

Arre pagle, agar laqeer kheenchne se mulk ban sakte hain, to kyaa kamre nahin ban sakte?

 Film: Biradari

Year of release: 1966

Spoken by: Seema's mom and landlady (Lalita Pawar)    

Spoken to: Rajan (Shashi Kapoor)

Dialogue writer: Krishan Chander

Shashi Kapoor meets Seema (Faryal) on his train journey to Bombay. She promises to get him a room on rent. When he reaches the address given to him, he meets Seema's mom i.e. Lalita Pawar (the landlady). She shows him a room which is demarcated as a room merely by lines on the floor. So a large hall has four such markings (and hence four such rooms). A surprised Shashi Kapoor asks;

"kyaa laqeer khench dene se kamre ban jaate hain?"

Lalita Pawar chuckles and comes up with the headlined riposte;

"Arre pagle, agar laqeer kheenchne se mulk ban sakte hain, to kyaa kamre nahin ban sakte?"

"अरे पगले, अगर लकीर खींचने से मुल्क बन सकते हैं, तो क्या कमरे नहीं बन सकते?"

maanta huun teri pasand ko, maska hai maskaa, ek dum jhakaas

Film: Yudh

Year of release: 1985

Spoken by: Junior (Anil Kapoor)

Spoken to: Chenoy (Danny Denzongpa)

Dialogue writer: Naeem Shah

Junior does heists for Chenoy. When he returns from Bangalore after robbing Gundappa Industries of Rs 80 lacs, Chenoy says,

"...tamaam Hindustan ke shahron mein, sirf Chenoy group of industries ka raaj hogaa.

Junior laughs and says,

"iski maa kaa, saaraa kaa saaraa maal tuich leke jaa rahaa hai. ye jo note chhapne ki machine tere samne khaDi hai, uska to khyaal kar. 

Chenoy says, "arre tere liye to aaj khaas jashn ka intizaam kiyaa hai"

"zaruur koi, chhokri vokri ka intizaam kiyela hogaa"

Chenoy claps his hands and Hema Malini or Nafisa Khatun emerges. Then Junior says, 

"maanta huun teri pasand ko, maska hai maskaa, ek dum jhakaas"

"मानता हूँ तेरी पसंद को, मस्का है मस्का, एक दम झकास!"

This dialogue - especially 'jhakaas' (which means terrific) - became a cult dialogue later. But most people wouldn't know that the 'maska' being referred to here is Hema Malini. 

Though the film is extremely silly and hasn't aged well, the music of this film still holds up. As a kid, I particularly liked "Zindagi ae zindagi, dekh meri bebasi".

The song that follows this dialogue is also nice. "Main kya aise pyar karungi"

ham jab aayenge to garmii thoDii baRh hee jaayegi, pataa chal hee jaayega

Film: Bullett Raja
Year of release: 2013
Spoken by: Raja Misra (Saif Ali Khan)
Spoken to: Ram Babu Shukla (Raj Babbar)
Dialogue writer: Tigmanshu Dhulia

dada ham jab aayenge to garmii thoDii baRh hee jaayegi, pataa chal hee jaayega bullett raja

yaar Arnab...tu ek achchhaa news anchor...tha

Film: Coffee with D

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: Roy (Rajesh Sharma)

Spoken to: Arnab Ghosh (Sunil Grover)

Dialogue writer: Aabhar Dadhich

The protagonist in this film was clearly based on Arnab Goswami. Three years ago, he was already unbearable. Now he has taken it to another level altogether.
Roy tells Arnab, "yaar Arnab...tu ek achchhaa news anchor...tha. Lekin, ye nauTanki roz roz nahin chal sakti yaar...ye tu bhi jaanta hai. It's not feasible...people... want to see some real stuff...remember those days, jab log apna dinner chhoD kar TV ke saamne baith jaate the, ki Arnab kaunsa mudda uThaayega ...kiska court martial hoga...it's gone yaar. dekh...I can't sustain like this. "
"यार अर्नब, तू एक अच्छा न्यूज़ एंकर... था"
Well today 

Democracy mein itnaa free spirited honaa acceptable nahiin hai

Film: Kabir Singh

Year of release: 2019

Spoken by: Lawyer Vipul (Harsh Singh)

Spoken to: Karan Singh i.e. Kabir's brother (Arjun Bajwa)

Dialogue writer: Siddharth Singh & Garima Wahal 

Kabir is accused of having operated while under the influence of alcohol. As his lawyer Vipul is firming up his defence strategy, he tells Karan, that he has sealed all possible holes, but how would they handle Kabir's temperamental and unpredictable behaviour?

"uskaa kyaa kare.n? Democracy mein itnaa free spirited honaa acceptable nahiin hai...You'll have to control this"

"उसका क्या करें? डेमोक्रेसी में इतना फ्री स्पिरिटिड होना अक्सेप्टबल नहीं है...यू विल हैव टू कण्ट्रोल दिस"

I love these lovely counter-intuitive lines about democracy. Utpal Dutt had another lovely line written by Rahi Masoom Raza. You can read it here. 

Delnaaz ne kahaa naa Salmaan Khan jaisaa, to Salmaan Khan jaisaa

Film: Aankhen

Year of release: 2002

Spoken by: Prem (Dipesh Shah)

Spoken to: Various people (Paresh Ganatra, Amitabh Bachchan etc.)

Dialogue writer: Aatish Kapadia

When loyalty goes beyond a certain limit, it leads to a person becoming a blind follower. In this movie Prem plays one such person who is smitten by his girl friend and co-worker Delnaaz (Malvika Singh). 

So if you want to impress upon someone that the statement of someone is not to be questioned (boss, husband or some minister), use the format 

Delnaaz ne kahaa "xxxxx" to "xxxxx". 

The first time it is used in this film is when Shailesh (Paresh Ganatra) is distributing pEnDE (sweets) in Vilasrao Jefferson Bank. 

"oh delnaaz ben ...aaiye aaiye...ye pE.nDE khaaiye... 

kis Khushi men

arre meri Meenakshi ko laDka huaa naa 

congratulations ...

thank you ...

dikhta kiske jaisaa hai?

Left hand side se Shahrukh Khan. Right hand side se Hrithik. Means ke exactly mere jaisa dikhtaa hai, bolo naa 

Shailesh bhai ...aap to bilkul Salman Khan jaise dikhte hain

ae ae Delnaaz ben (Shailesh protests in good humour)

Delnaaz ne kahaa naa Salmaan Khan jaisaa, to Salmaan Khan jaisaa"

"डेलनाज़ ने कहा ना सलमान ख़ान जैसा, तो सलमान ख़ान जैसा"

I am sure many of you have a Delnaaz in life. 

Anarkali ka phone tha, ice cream khana bahut zaruri hai

Film: Baazigar

Year of release: 1993

Spoken by: Babulal (Johnny Lever)

Spoken to: Priya Chopra (Kajol)

Dialogue writer: Robin Bhatt, Akash Khurana & Javed Siddiqui

This is the famous scene, which would have been ordinary but for the extraordinary talent of Johnny Lever. 

Anjali (Resham Seth) realises that Priya i.e. Kajol's current boyfriend is the same guy whom she had seen with Seema i.e. Shilpa Shetty. 

"Vicky ki soorat bilkul us aadmi se milti hai - jisse Seema ki dosti thi"

She wants to pass this information on to Priya. Unfortunately for her, the call is received by the forgetful household help Babulal (Johnny Lever). Babulal thinks of himself as the head servant in the household and insists that he receive all calls. This creates a lot of funny situations as he is forgetful. This was much before the Alexa and Ok Google days.

So when Babulal receives the call, at first he asks Anjali to call back, but when Anjali requests,

"do ghanTe se try kar rahi hoon. bahut mushkil se number laga hai...mujhe Seema ke baare mein kuch kehna hai...Priya se itna keh do, Anjali ka phone aayaa hai ..aur wo Seema ke baare mein kucch kehna chaahti hai."

Now starts the fun part. Babulal tries to memorise this simple message. 

"Anjali ka phone hai, Seema memsaab ke baare mein kuchh zaruri baat kehna hai"

Vicky or SRK overhears Babulal repeating this message on his way to deliver it to Priya. He decides to divert Babulal's attention by ordering icecream.

"Babulal mere liye ice cream leke aao"

Babulal reluctantly agrees to do so, but then realises he might forget and continues onwards in his journey towards Priya. 

Unfortunately, the damage has been done. The message he finally delivers to Priya is:

"Baby ji Baby ji phone hai...Anarkali ka phone tha, ice cream khana bahut zaruri hai"

If you have ever attended training sessions on communications, you surely would have played the Chinese Whispers game. Normally a hilarious Chinese Whispers activity is the result of 10-15 participants coming up with their iterations. 

Sometimes, you don't even need two people for the Chinese Whispers result to be hilarious. 

This scene also leads on to another recurring dialogue of Johnny Lever in this film

joint family ke taano.n mein bahot power hotii hai जॉइंट फॅमिली के तानों में बहोत पॉवर होती है

Film: Shubh Mangal Saavdhan

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: Sugandha's father (Neeraj Sood)

Spoken to: Sugandha (Bhumi Pednekar)

Dialogue writer: Hitesh Kewalya

Sugandha's father is urging his daughter to break off the engagement once it is revealed that Mudit (Ayushmann Khurana) is possibly impotent. He tells Sugandha that her would-be in-laws would constantly taunt her for being infertile (while the fault would be entirely that of the boy). 

"Sugu, meri baat samajh. sasur ke taane, saasu ke taunts, sah legi tuu? 

Sugandha retorts, "sah luungi...meri zindagi hai, jo karna hai main karuungi. par shaadi Mudit se hi karuungi. Thiik hai?"

A distressed father responds with this powerful argument,

"arre beTaa, joint family ke taano.n mein bahot power hotii hai. mujhse poochh. jab se haridwar se nikla huun tab se sah rahaa huun"

"अरे बेटा, जॉइंट फॅमिली के तानों में बहोत पॉवर होती है. मुझसे पूछ. जब से हरिद्वार से निकला हूँ तब से सह रहा हूँ" 

jism kaa dard ek had se guzar jaaye to maut aasaan ho jaati hai. maut ka Khauf nikal jaataa hai dimaaG se

Film: Maachis

Year of release: 1996

Spoken by: Senior police officer (Voice of Naseeruddin Shah)

Spoken to: Inspector SK Vohra (Kanwaljit Singh)

Dialogue writer: Gulzar

The opening shot of this film shows a body being fished out of a prison well. A suspected terrorist Jaswant Singh Randhawa or Jassi (Raj Zutshi) who has been held in that prison (and ostensibly badly tortured) has jumped into the well. The officer in charge (Vohra) and his senior (unknown but the voice is that of Naseer) are discussing the fall out. 

"SK, is terrorist ka zinda rehna bahut zaruuri thaa. maine tumhe kahaa bhi thaa."

Vohra responds, "ji haa.n sir. lekin iskaa zimmevaar main nahiin hoon sir. usne Khudkushii ki hai...kisii ne maaraa nahiin hai use"

"SK vo tumhaare charge mein thaa. dekho, jism kaa dard ek had se guzar jaaye to maut aasaan ho jaati hai. maut ka Khauf nikal jaataa hai dimaaG se. aur mujrim ko vo had kabhi nahiin paar karne di jaati."

"देखो, जिस्म का दर्द एक हद से गुज़र जाए तो मौत आसान हो जाती है. मौत का ख़ौफ़ निकल जाता है दिमाग़ से. और मुजरिम को वो हद कभी नहीं पार करने दी जाती।"

A positive spin of the same thought comes as a dialogue in Marykom where she says, "kabhi kisii ko itnaa bhi mat Daraao, ki Dar hi Khatm ho jaaye"

Baap Ramlal beTaa Faizaan? BaDaa secular hai re tu!

Film: Raees

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: IPS Majmudar (Nawazuddin Siddiqui)

Spoken to: Constable Ramlal (Unknown)

Dialogue writer: Rahul Dholakiya and others

A constable called Ramlal comes to Nawaz's desk, offers a box of sweets and says,

"Jai Hind sir. Sir surti ghaari. aapko bahut pasand hai na sir?

Nawaz says, "kyaa baat hai Ramlal? baRaa khyaal rakha ja rahaa hai?...chhuTTi vuTTi chaahiye kyaa?"

Ramlal says, "nahin sir, beta hua hai"

Nawaz says, "badhaai ho. aur naam kyaa rakkha hai?"

"Faizaan"

"Baap Ramlal beTaa Faizaan? BaDaa secular hai re tu!

"बाप रामलाल बेटा फ़ैज़ान? बड़ा सेक्युलर है रे तू!"

"Main nahin sir, Raees baap banaa hai...usne ye nyautaa aapko bhejaa hai"

Nawaz retorts, "nyauta bheja hai, to jawab bhi bhej dena...

bachche kaa baap banaa hai, Gujarat ka nahin"

The subject dialogue sarcastically refers to the use of the word secular in India. 

उड़द पर सफ़ेदी जितना uRad par safedi jitnaa

Film: Pukar

Year of release: 1939

Spoken by: Sangram Singh's daughter (Unknown)

Spoken to: Sangram Singh (Sohrab Modi)

Dialogue writer: Kamal Amrohi

Sangram Singh requests his daughter to sew his cloak (giriibaan ka tukmaa or button loop of opening of the cloak). As she sews it, he complains to her about his wife (her mother). His wife had helped his son (a fugitive from law) escape from his house. He was miffed with her favouring the son over the husband. The daughter tries to stand up for her mother and says,

"maa ko apni aulaad se bahut zyaadaa pyaar hota hai”

Sangram asks “aur baap ko nahiin hotaa?”

“hotaa hai, uRad par safedi jitnaa”

"होता है, उड़द पर सफ़ेदी जितना" 

There is an idiom in hindi – uRad par safedi baraabar bhi sharm na honaa. Which means having no shame at all. I used to wonder what it meant because as a kid the only uRad (a type of pulse common in India) I had seen was completely white. It's only later that I realised that uRad is basically black and the white variety that I was seeing was the 'dhuli' or the skinned variety. Hence there is hardly any white visible in a heap of uRad. However if you take the dhuli variety, there is only white visible. Hence this idiom (and hence this dialogue) is relevant only for the whole uRad (the unskinned variety). 

रिटायरमेंट के बाद का मुझे ज़रा भी फिक्र नहीं

Film: Baghban

Year of release: 2003

Spoken by: Raj Malhotra (Amitabh Bachchan)

Spoken to: Mr Rawat - ICICI Bank Manager and Raj's boss (Avtar Gill)

Dialogue: Achala Nagar

This film was based on an American novel written in 1934 - The Years are so Long by Josephine Lawrence (which later was the basis for a 1937 film Make Way for Tomorrow). It was unbearable. But many people have seen it. Comedian Sanjay Rajoura has an excellent routine based on this film. This film had a great lesson for those who leave all their retirement planning predicated on their children. It doesn't work. And if you are planning to retire in the next 20 years, I can assure you it will not work. It's never too late. Start now. 

So what's the dialogue. 

Well, Raj has four useless sons. The second one (Samir Soni) wants to buy a car and needs Rs 50000 for the down payment. In spite of having kids of his own, he turns to his dad for the money. A more sensible dad would have said what Tigmanshu Dhulia did in Gangs of Wasseypur (beTaa..hamein tumhare lachchan bilkul Thiik nahiin  lag rahe hain...tumse naa ho paayegaa). However, then the film would have ended then and there. We couldn't have had that. 

So Mr Malhotra applies for a loan. His boss Rawat warns him that he has always squandered his wealth on his children and has barely anything left in his retirement fund. A confident Raj Malhotra refuses to accept the sage advice and ensures the film runs for two and a half hours. 

This is the full exchange.

"Malhotra saab, ye jo gratuity ke against aapne 50000 ka loan maangaa hai, aap jaante hain ki iske baad aapke account mein, kuchh bhi nahin bachega...Nahin nahin, aap jaise sincere employee ko naa kaa to savaal hi paidaa nahin hotaa...aur phir aap hamaare dost bhi hain...aapne hamesha doosron ko hamaari investment aur bachat scheme ke baare mein encourage kiyaa hai. Magar Khud ki future ke baare mein nahin sochaa. Jo kuchh bhi kamaayaa, vo bachchon ki zaruuraton aur maangon par kharch kar Daalaa, magar sach baat to yeh hai, ki retirement ke baad, apnaa paisaa hi sabse baDi taaqat hotaa hai."

AB says,

"Sir hamaari taaqat to hamaare bachchon ki muskaane.n hain ...aur paisaa hi kis kaam kaa agar...ain waqt par bachchon ke kaam na aa sake. 

Aur vaise bhi sir, retirement ke baad ka mujhe zaraa bhi fiqr nahin, bhagvaan ki kripaa se chaar chaar beTe hain. Chaar chaar anmol fixed deposit. To chaar chaar fixed deposit, aaTh baazuu, sahaare ke liye itna bahut hai mere liye."

"और वैसे भी सर, रिटायरमेंट के बाद का मुझे ज़रा भी फिक्र नहीं, भगवान् की कृपा से चार चार बेटे हैं. चार चार अनमोल फिक्स्ड डिपॉज़िट. तो चार चार फिक्स्ड डिपॉज़िट, आठ बाज़ू, सहारे के लिए इतना बहुत है मेरे लिए."

And as you know, his expectation is completely belied. So think twice before saying,

"रिटायरमेंट के बाद का मुझे ज़रा भी फिक्र नहीं"

This scene comes about 26 minutes into the film 

jiske paas apnii shakti nahin, use bhagvaan bhi shakti nahiin de saktaa

Film: Sikandar

Year of release: 1941

Spoken by: King Puru or Porus (Sohrab Modi)

Spoken to: Rajkumar Pravir and other courtiers 

Dialogue writer: Pt Sudarshan 

Sohrab Modi was known for his dialogue delivery. He was the Raaj Kumar of that era. This is the introductory scene of Porus in the movie. 

The spy or guptchar comes rushing on a horse to tell Porus that the armies of Alexander have reached the banks of Vitastaa or Jhelum.

Porus asks, 

"kitni sena hai"

"ek laakh se zyaadaa"

"aur maharaj Aambhii (king of Takshila) ne use rokne ka  yatan nahin kiya? 

"maine suna hai ki unhone haar maanne kaa faislaa kar liyaa hai"

"yaani aag ne paani ka naam sunte hi apne shole bujha diye! Sunaa Rajkumaar Pravir?

"wo shayad chaahte hain ki Sikandar ki madad lekar hamaare raajya par hamla karen"

Porus peremptorily dismisses the plans of King Aambhi (played by KN Singh of eyebrows fame) with this pejorative line,

"jiske paas apnii shakti nahin, use bhagvaan bhi shakti nahii.n de saktaa"

"जिसके पास अपनी शक्ति नहीं, उसे भगवान भी शक्ति नहीं दे सकता"

So true, God's help those who help themselves. So believe in yourself and your strength. Or else, remember Sohrab Modi's line from this classic. 

Steering ek hi haath me rahe ye achchhaa hai

Film: Daddy

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: Maqsood (Farhan Akhtar)

Spoken to: Rama Naik (Rajesh Shringapore)

Dialogue writer: Ritesh Shah 

Farhan Akhtar makes a cameo appearance in this film to play a character that is thought to be based on Dawood Ibrahim. Maqsood meets other smaller dons in an Eid feast. While having food, he proposes to start supply of cocaine in Rama and Arun's (Arjun Rampal) area. He offers them a 25% cut on the proceeds. While he is making the proposal, Rama looks at Arun, who glares back disapprovingly. After making his proposal, Maqsood looks at Rama and asks,

"Bolo Rama?"

Rama again looks up at Arun. Maqsood notices this and plays a dirty trick to manipulate Rama. He makes a suggestion that Rama is not in control. How does he do that? With this well crafted line.

"dekho dosti sahi hai apni jagah. Lekin...steering ek hi haath mein rahe, ye achchhaa hai"

"देखो दोस्ती सही है अपनी जगह. लेकिन...स्टीयरिंग एक ही हाथ में रहे, ये अच्छा है."

It works instantly. Rama extends his hand and says,

"Done hai bhaai"

Try this line when you are negotiating with two partners of equal heft. 

dawood to rama in daddy 

Khaamosh!

Film: Badla

Year of release: 1974

Spoken by: Raju Dada (Shatrughan Sinha)

Spoken to: Shankar Dada (Sudhir)

Dialogue writer: Jagdish Kanwal

Some dialogues are so closely linked to some stars that it's difficult to separate the two. Pran and BarKhurdaar, Om Prakash and Bhaagvaan, Jeevan and naaraayaN naaraayaN and even Raaj Kumar and Jaani. The moment I say Khaamosh, the name and face that immediately springs to mind is Shatrughan Sinha. Ironically, in his biography 'Anything But Khamosh', Shekhar Suman reveals that Khamosh was not really derived from any film, but it was Shatru imitating Prithviraj Kapoor from Mughal E Aazam. So that dialogue should bring Prithviraj to mind. But not Shatru. I set about trying to discover the origin of this dialogue in a Shatrughan film. I discovered this 1974 film. 

So the dialogue 'Khaamosh' was first used by Shatrughan Sinha in this film.

Shankar goes to Bhaskar's (CS Dubey) 'daru ka aDDaa' or liquor vend, to avenge the bashing up and destruction of a vend run by Heera that is under his protection. 

When the lackey in Bhaskar's vend comes and tells him that Raju dada is coming everyone runs away. But the goons stay back. 

When Raju enters the bar by opening the closed doors, Macmohan throws a knife at Raju but misses. It lodges itself in the door frame.

Raju says, "abhi tak vo chaaku taiyyaar nahin huaa hai, jo Raju ko lag jaaye. Gulel lekar pahle chiDiyaa maarnaa seekho, chiDiyaa. 

Sudhir says (Shankar dada) "bako mat"

And then comes the dialogue that is featured here.

"Khaamosh!"
"ख़ामोश"

It's totally anodyne and lacks the punch that such an iconic dialogue should have had. So ideally Khaamosh should be credited to Baadshah Akbar i.e. Prithviraj Kapoor instead of Shatrughan Sinha.

This dialogue comes at about 11 minutes run time. You can watch it here.

You can watch Prithviraj Kapoor say the original dialogue here. Make up your own mind about who deserves credit for this dialogue.

Eh Shiva, shaadi me.n itnii power hotii hai kyaa?

Film: Kabir Singh

Year of release: 2019

Spoken by: Kabir Rajdheer Singh (Shahid Kapoor)

Spoken to: Shiva (Soham Majumdar)

Dialogue writer: Siddharth Singh & Garima Wahal 

There was a lot of hullabaloo about this film and its 'toxic masculinity'. I am tempted to ask as Col Jessop did in 'A Few Good Men' - "Is there any other kind?". But on a serious note, that is the character of Kabir Singh. Now do you want to bowdlerise some aspects of every character. So should we stop showing stupid people on screen? How would we ever make a romantic film then?

After his relationship with Preeti has taken a nasty turn due to her family's interference, Kabir mixes morphine with alcohol and passes out for a couple of days (as that combination is actually toxic!). When he wakes up, his friend Shiva tells him that Preeti is about to get married to someone called Jatinder. Kabir is distraught and immediately jumps onto the scooty along with Shiva and tries to prevent the marriage from taking place. When he does not succeed (actually gets bashed up) and stands moping outside Preeti's house, he vents,

"Eh Shiva, shaadi me.n itnii power hotii hai kyaa? Ham log...ham log ab kuchh nahin kar sakte? Mujhe do din hosh nahin thaa, to manDap mein bithaa ke shaadi kar denge uski?"

"ए शिवा, शादी में इतनी पवर होती है क्या?"

Many parents try to mend their ways of  their wayward offsprings by getting them married. They think marriage has that kind of power. 

The current marriage season in Delhi and the attendant noise and air pollution that it brings (thanks to stupid DJs and firework displays), reminded me of this line. Marriage is such a powerful institution that it also affects those who are not even invited! 

main chaahtaa huu.n ham dono.n ka bijli ka bill ek hi address pe aaye

Film: Dream Girl
Year of release: 2019
Spoken by: Karamveer Singh (Ayushmann Khurana)
Spoken to: Mahi Rajput (Nushrat Bharucha)
Dialogue writer: Raaj Shaandilyaa

The dialogue writer is also the director. He used to write for famous comedy serial Comedy Circus on TV before moving to films. But all the earlier films where he wrote the dialogues were ordinary. Remember Welcome Back or Jabariya Jodi. Yeah he wrote them too. But with his directorial debut, he seems to have moved into an altogether different zone. A must watch movie. A great way to waste 2 hours (I mean it in a good way)!

This is one of the best ways that I have seen in recent Hindi films where a boy is proposing to a girl. Karam's father sells stuff that is used in Hindu obsequies. One such client asks him to drop off stuff required for an obsequy. He meets Mahi at that house and falls for her instantly. Karam is standing in the queue to pay the electricity bill. It's the last date for payment and just as it is his turn to pay, he turns and sees Mahi join the queue. There are twenty people in the queue. But he decides to leave his turn and go and join Mahi at the end of the queue. There he starts chatting her up. And then delivers this beautiful line when she asks him what he wants.

"main chaahtaa huu.n ham dono.n ka bijli ka bill ek hi address pe aaye"
"मैं चाहता हूँ हम दोनों का बिजली का बिल एक ही एड्रेस पे आये"

log hameshaa apne kutton se angrezi mein kyon baat karte hain

Film: Khoj

Year of release: 1989

Spoken by: Inspector Balbir (Naseeruddin Shah)

Spoken to: Ravi Kapoor (Rishi Kapoor)

Dialogue writer: Iqbal Durrani & Sajeev Kapoor

Inspector Balbir is investigating Ravi Kapoor's complaint about his missing wife. When he sees Ravi Kapoor talking to his Doberman in English, he says 

"ek baat samajh men nahiin aati... log hamesha apne kutton se angrezi men kyon baat karte hain" 

As a former pet parent, I have often wondered that whenever I had to order my pet, I used English. Hindi and other languages were reserved for petting and comforting. 

The film is copied from the 1958 Chase a Crooked Shadow. The 1981 Hindi Film Dhuaan also was based on the same film. In fact there are many other Indian films based loosely on this script. They are:

Sesh Anka 1963 Bangla

Puthiya Paravai 1964 Tamil

Charithram 1989 Malayalam 

Aadmi tabhi baDaa banta hai, jab baDe log usse milne ka intezaar kare.n

Film: Once upon a time in Mumbai

Year of release: 2010

Spoken by: Shoaib Khan (Emraan Hashmi)

Spoken to: Javed (Mehul Bhojak)

Dialogue writer: Rajat Arora

Sultan Mirza (Ajay Devgan) wants to enter politics. He leaves the Mumbai business in Shoaib's hands. Shoaib takes the business into an even more ambitious zone. He uses means that even Sultan would consider mean. He also gets used to glamour and glitz a la Sultan Mirza. At a 5 star hotel lobby his aide Javed tells him,
"Baahar singhaaniyaa kaafi der se intezaar kar rahaa hai"
Shoaib retorts with this now-famous line.

"Aadmi tabhi baDaa banta hai, jab baDe log usse milne ka intezaar kare.n...jaa do minute ke baad bhej dena use"

"आदमी तभी बड़ा बनता है, जब बड़े लोग उससे मिलने का इन्तिज़ार करें"

1 hr 53 minutes into the film. 

Seva, aadarsh, deshbhakti ki bhaavna ko...apne bachchon ko paDhaanaa, sirf paDhaana, sikhaanaa nahiin

Film : Marte Dam Tak

Year of release : 1987

Spoken by : DCP Lal (IfteKhar)

Spoken to : Rana or SI Rane (Raaj Kumar)

Dialogue writer : K K Singh

SI Rane (Raaj Kumar) wants to arrest PC Mathur (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) for his crimes. DCP Lal is trying to dissuade him from doing so, by telling him about the extent of Mathur's influence.

"Seva, aadarsh, deshbhakti ki bhaavna ko, kisi puraani band kitaab ki tarah...apni library mein sambhaal kar rakhnaa. Aur apne bachchon ko paDhaanaa, sirf paDhaana, sikhaanaa nahiin, varna unke bachche, daane daane ko mohtaaj ho jaayenge."
"सेवा, आदर्श, देशभक्ति की भावना को, किसी पुरानी बंद किताब की तरह... अपनी लाइब्रेरी में संभाल कर रखना. और अपने बच्चों को पढ़ाना, सिर्फ़ पढ़ाना, सिखाना नहीं. वर्ना उनके बच्चे, दाने दाने को मोहताज हो जायेंगे."

SI Rane of course gives a bombastic response, but I liked this line better. Iftekhar rarely plays a policeman in a negative shade. 

Soch gehri ho jaaye, to faisle kamzor ho jaate hain

Film: Khuda Gawah

Year of release: 1992

Spoken by: Baadshah Khan (Amitabh Bachchan)

Spoken to: Khuda Baksh (Danny Denzongpa)

Dialogue writer: Santosh Saroj & Raj Kumar Bedi

As a younger man, I was once preparing for the NDA SSB interview. There used to be something called Word Association Test in that. So they would give a word and you would have to make a sentence using that word. So the tip that we were given was that leaders do not make complex, convoluted or negative sounding sentences. So if the word is Grass. Then your sentence should be - Grass is green. Instead if you write this:

Gramineae is a large and nearly ubiquitous family of  monocotyledonous flowering plants, commonly referred to collectively as grass.

You are likely to be rejected :)

So any amount of over-analyses will probably lead you to rethink your decision. That's why the Ancient Romans used to burn bridges and boats. That was a good way to avoid intellectual thinking which could lead to retreat. 

Khuda Gawah was another mind numbing film of Amitabh Bachchan but with great visuals. It features this great Amitabh line:

"Khudaa Bakshe, itnaa mat soch. soch gehri ho jaaye. to faisle kamzor ho jaate hain"

"ख़ुदा बख्शे, इतना मत सोच. सोच गहरी जाए, फ़ैसले कमज़ोर  हो जाते हैं"

Or as Modi tells Tata in the movie Narendra Modi:

"Tata saab, jo decision ek minute mein nahin hotaa, vo decision hi nahin hotaa". :)

dekh beta, naukri aise kar ki 'thank you' main boloon, customer nahin

Film: 102 Not Out

Year of Release: 2018

Spoken by: Medical store owner Hasmukh (Nileash Pandya)

Spoken to: Store delivery boy Dhiru (Jimit Trivedi)

Dialogue writer: Saumya Joshi

This film had an interesting premise, but the final product was underwhelming. The film begins by establishing the three main characters. The first two are obviously Rishi Kapoor and Amitabh Bachchan. But the third and equally important character is that of Jimit Trivedi. He plays the role of a medical store delivery boy and attendant. In the opening scene, a couple comes to the shop and asks for B-complex capsules. Dhiru takes out a strip and notices that it is about to expire in 10 days. He is established (by Vijay Raaz's voice over) to be a person who does not have a filter between brain and tongue. Hence he loudly asks the store owner whether he should give the customer this strip or the fresher stock that he had been asked to keep separately by the store owner for later use. An embarrassed store owner asks Dhiru to take out the fresh stock. After paying the money, the grateful customers thank Dhiru before leaving. 

The store owner takes this in and then calls out to Dhiru:

"Ae Dhiru...dekh beTaa, naukri aise kar, ki "thank you" main boloon, customer nahin"

"ऐ धीरू। ..देख बेटा...नौकरी ऐसे कर, कि "थैंक यू" मैं बोलूँ, कस्टमर नहीं"

Anyone who has worked in sales and has been conflicted between offering the best product (from a competing brand or even your own brand's) or selling the one with the highest commission, knows about such ethical conflicts. 

loTaa hai, NOTA hai, jo pasand aaye,..., vo button dabaa do

Film: Newton

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: Asst. Commandant Atma Singh (Pankaj Tripathi)

Spoken to: Newton Kumar (Rajkumar Rao)

Dialogue writer: Amit Masurkar, Mayank Tewari

In a great farcical scene, when the CRPF DIG Danish Hussain is touring and trying to impress a foreign journalist, the asst commandant forcibly rounds up 40 villagers to vote. 

Newton realises they don't know how to use an EVM, so he conducts an impromptu training. 

That's an amazing scene. 

When Atma sees Newton's efforts failing, he intervenes,

"Newton babu, aapke bas ki lag nahin rahi hai, now let me take over...dekhiye voting machine ek khilaune jaisa hai, "

"kya bakvaas kar rahe hain aap ye, khilauna nahin hai voting machine. Kyaa sikhaa rahe hain aap inhen ye"

"aap chup rahiye...dekhiye is khilaune se khelna bahut aasaan hai, ismen sab kuchh hai, gaajar hai, motorcycle hai, jahaaz hai, janvar hai, phool hai, loTaa hai, NOTA hai, jo pasand aaye, achcha lage, vo button dabaa do."

"देखिये इस खिलौने बहुत आसान है, इसमें सब कुछ है, गाजर है, मोटरसाइकिल है, जहाज़ है, जानवर है, फूल है, लोटा है, नोटा है, जो पसंद आये, अच्छा लगे, वो बटन दबा दो. "

Simplest explanation of Indian electoral process.

zulm kiyaa aapne, aapko ye khabar dheere dheere sunaani chaahiye thi

Film: Daag

Year of release: 1952

Spoken by: Unknown

Spoken to: (Leela Mishra) 

A couple of clerks from a lawyer's office land up at Jagat Narain's (Kanhaiyyalal) house to inform him of money that he had inherited from his Mausi (Maternal aunt). However, when they see the impoverished intended recipients of a large inheritance, the senior agent whispers to the junior agent:

"tum kya jaano ki kitnaa Khatraa hai ye sab bataane men...

raqam moTi hai aur yeh log chhoTe hain...

meraa matlab hai, bahut Gareeb hain. Achaanak itnaa paisaa mil jaane se maine logon ko marte bhi dekhaa hai, samjhe...hamen ye khabar dheere dheere sunaana chaahiye"

Then he proceeds to gently break the news to Jagat Narain and family. He asks Jagat, what he would do if he got...5000 Rs. Jagat says he would do a couple of things. The lawyer's agent then ups the ante and asks what he would do if he got Rs 10000? Jagat tries to fulfil a couple of more dreams  with the said amount. Then he is asked what he would do if the amount was Rs 15000. By now, Jagat and his family are quite delirious. 

So, when the agent asks

"20000 ke baare mein kyaa Khyaal hai aapkaa?"

Jagat i.e. Kanhaiyyalal says, 

"to bhaiyya, aadha main tumhe de dunga"

The lawyer's agent instantly collapses as soon as he hears the. Obviously he was the one who fell in the category of those 'small people' who collapse when they suddenly come into a lot of money!

The junior legal clerk chastises Kanhaiyyalal and says

"zulm kiyaa aapne, aapko ye Khabar dheere dheere sunaani chaahiye thi!"

"ज़ुल्म किया आपने, आपको ये ख़बर धीरे धीरे सुनानी चाहिए थी!"

Jagat's wife i.e. Leela Mishra asks "lekin sab rupaya hai kitnaa?"

The agent says "ek laakh"

And now the senior agent's prophecy comes true!

Leela Mishra faints!

mausi has left all her money to kanhaiyyalal

galat jagah par bola jaane vaala sach, jhooth se bhi zyaadaa dangerous ho jaataa hai

Film: Khwab

Year of release: 1980

Spoken by: Dr Joshi (Ashok Kumar)

Spoken to: Miss Prasad (Ranjeeta)

Dialogue writer: Dr Rahi Masoom Raza

Madan Puri and Ranjeeta go to Mr Joshi the best lawyer in town i.e. Ashok Kumar. 

After he goes through the case file he says:

"Stupid!

Police station par ye statement dene ki raay unhe kisne di?

Ranjita says:"kya sach bolne mein nuqsaan hotaa hai Mr Joshi?"

Ashok Kumar retorts,"sach is a beautiful word Miss Prasad...lekin galat jagah par bola jaane vaala sach, jhooth se bhi zyaadaa dangerous ho jaataa hai!"

लेकिन ग़लत जगह पर बोला जाने वाला सच, झूठ से भी ज़्यादा डेंजरस हो जाता है !"

There is another very interesting court scene towards the climax of the movie, which I remember providing me a great laugh when I had watched it as a kid (on TV). 

After prosecuting lawyer Mr Dalal (Utpal Dutt) does a dramatic reconstruction of how he think the accused committed the murder, Ashok Kumar says:

"iske baad your honour mulzim ki aankh khul jaati hai

main saabit karna chaahtaa hoon your honour ki mr dalaal ki dalil galat hai

saamne baithaa huaa aadmi kisi ke sar ke peechhe nahin maar saktaa

ab main bataataa hoon ki maya devi ke sar ke peechhe chot kaise lagi

phir se samajhiye ki main mulzim hoon

na jaane kyon maine ye tay kar liyaa ki ghaav to sar ke peechhe hi lagaanaa hai

to main yoon chhalaang maar kar peechhe aauungaa

aur yuun maarungaa

your honour. aisaa karne ke liye mujhe paani par khada rahnaa padegaa

You can watch this hilarious scene by clicking the link below. Ashok Kumar excelled in this special appearance too. 

Watch this scene

(https://youtu.be/_5L1UcMTUjA?t=7388)

Ye idli saambar khaate khaate to main mar jaauungaa

Film: Pyar ki Kahani

Year of release: 1971

Spoken by: Ramchand (Amitabh Bachchan)

Spoken to: Ravichand (Anil Dhawan)

Dialogue writer: Vishwamitter Adil

This is a very atypical Amitabh Bachchan dialogue.

This film was a flop based on the 1964 Tamil superhit Kai Kodutha Deivam.

In the original the protagonist (SS Rajendran) goes to Amritsar from Tamil Nadu. In this film Ravi Chand travels from Punjab to Bangalore. TS Raju wrote dialogues in the original movie. The differences between the two movies are a very interesting sidelight.

Ramchand uses the similarity of his name with Ravi chand to use an appointment letter in favour of an 'R.Chand', to benefit a rank stranger whom he wants to help i.e. Ravi Chand (Anil Dhawan).

Once Ravichand gets the job they both sit down to draft a new budget for their house. Ramchand lists a new house, new clothes and other expenses:

"raashan ka Kharcha aur baawarchii ki tanKhwaah DeDh sau rupaye..."

Ravi asks - "ye kyon "

"dekh...khaane peene ke maamle mein tu Taang mat aDaayaa kar

ye idli saambar khaate khaate to main mar jaauungaa...

ek aadh baar chapati to khaa len de naa!"

"ये इडली साम्बर खाते खाते तो मैं मर जाऊंगा, एक आध बार चपाती तो खा लेन दे ना !"

And he pronounces the word saambar as all Non-south Indians do. Like psalm-burr! The correct pronunciation of course is psalm-bar.

साम्बार. 

And no, there is no भ in this word! Ended up losing quite a bit of respect for Amitabh Bachchan after this dialogue. 

Interesting sidelight, in the same scene in the original, Sivaji Ganeshan is cursing chapati. And wanting Tamil samaiyal. The exact dialogue is:

"tanjaavuur samayalkkaaran...nalla samayalkkaaran ..sappaattii muDiyalai ppaa. avanukku ambadu ruubaai daaraaLama kuDukkalaam"

In a funny twist, even after Ram gets Ravi married to a half Punjabi girl and expects to get Punjabi breakfast, he finds to his dismay that the new bride knows how to cook only idlis and saambaar!

I am sure he found solace in his father's advice 

मन का हो तो अच्छा, ना हो तो ज़्यादा अच्छा !

dada to is duniya men bas do hain. Ek ooparwaala... aur doosre ham.

Film : Marte Dam Tak

Year of release : 1987

Spoken by : Rana (Raaj Kumar)

Spoken to : Govardhan Seth (Unknown)

Dialogue writer : K K Singh

There is a beautiful word in English called braggadocio. It means boastful or arrogant behaviour. Now the one actor who comes to your mind, the moment I explained the word will have to be Raaj Kumar. His dialogues oozed with braggadocio. And if you ever choose to do the same, do emulate his lines as well. A pipe in one hand and a resignation letter in your pocket are also necessary accoutrements for emulating Raaj Kumar (as he himself mentioned in the movie Surya). 

This is the opening scene of the movie, where the character of Rana is being established on screen. So he just steps into a court and looks at the judge and forces him to rescind his death sentence into acquittal (yes you read that right). Then he comes home and finds an old woman praising him to the skies for being the reason his daughter has now found a husband. Then another man with a crutch praises him to the skies and tells his son that Rana is the reason he was able to complete his B.Sc. Rana immediately arranges a job for him. That too is an interesting dialogue. But that's another story.

Then he is told that Govardhan Seth is waiting for him in the conference room. He goes and sits in the conference room.
"muaamlaa kyaa hai?"
"maamlaa to sirf pachchees laakh rupaye ka hai Rana Sahab, lekin jo aadmi hazm kar gaya hai, wo hai Sonu badmaash dada (Tej Sapru)"

"daadaa to is duniya men bas do hain. Ek ooparwaala... aur doosre ham. Bolo baat kyaa hai."

"दादा तो इस दुनिया में बस दो हैं. एक ऊपरवाला ...और दूसरे हम"

Newton ho, Newton hi raho, Einstein banne ki koshish mat karo

Film: Newton

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: Asst. Commandant Atma Singh (Pankaj Tripathi)

Spoken to: Newton Kumar (Rajkumar Rao)

Dialogue writer: Amit Masurkar, Mayank Tewari

The recent incident involving Minister Piyush Goyal reminded me of this line and made me laugh out loud.

When during the election in danDakaaraNya in ChhattiisgaRh, the presiding officer Nutan Kumar or Newton Kumar tells the CRPF Asst Commandant Atma Singh 

"yeh log ghulam nahin hain aapke"

Atma Singh glares at him and responds with this great line. 

"Newton ho, Newton hi raho, Einstein banne ki koshish mat karo"

"न्यूटन हो न्यूटन ही रहो, आइंस्टाइन बनने की कोशिश मत करो" 

brokerage mein, nuqsaan kaa koi scope nahii.n hotaa

Film: Baazaar

Year of release: 2018

Spoken by: Shakun Kothari (Saif Ali Khan)

Spoken to:  Rizwan Ahmed (Rohan Vinod Mehra)

Dialogue writer: Aseem Arora

This was supposed to be India's Wall Street equivalent, but turned out to be a damp squib. One does wonder though, in spite of all the shenanigans that have gone on in India's stock markets, why more engaging films are not made about it. The answer probably lies in the fact that barely 3% of India invests in stocks. Who would want to make a film where your possible total audience is 3% of the country. Compare that to America where over 50% of the country does invest in stocks in one way or the other. Hence a Wall Street can even have a sequel or you can even have a Rogue Trader (which is super niche). 

Coming back to the story, Shakun is a fraudulent man who tries to take advantage of all those who trust him. After he does a pump and dump on the Skycomm stock (a company that he has given to Rizwan to run), he is explaining to Rizwan why he did what he did.

He is trying to tell him that it is more profitable to be a broker than to be a business owner. 

"6000 crore meri fees...kabhi kabhi 2% brokerage, 20% profits se zyaadaa faaydemand hoti hai...kyonki 2% brokerage mein, nuqsaan kaa koi scope nahii.n hotaa..."

"६००० करोड़ मेरी फीस...कभी कभी २% ब्रोकरेज, २०% प्रोफिट्स से ज़्यादा फ़ायदेमंद होती है...क्योंकि २% ब्रोकरेज में, नुक़सान का कोई स्कोप नहीं होता..."

kaun hai.n ye log...kahaa.n se aate hai.n yeh

Film: Jolly LLB

Year of release: 2013

Spoken by: Jagdish Tyagi aka Jolly (Arshad Warsi)

Spoken to: Justice Sunderlal Tripathi (Saurabh Shukla)

Dialogue writer: Subhash Kapoor

In the climax of this movie, during his summation, defence lawyer Rajpal (Boman Irani) concludes with the line:

"aur rahi baat un chhah..paanch marne vaalon ki, my deepest sympathies, kya karen...lekin agar aap footpath par soyenge ...to marne ka risk to rahega hi. That's the harsh reality. The rest, your honour, I leave it to your wisdom, and your fine sense of judgment. Thank you. 

As Jolly (Arshad Warsi) sums up his argument, he rebuts this last line with a question:

"footpath par soyenge to marne ka risk to hai. bilkul sahi hai janaab. Lekin main Rajpal saab se poochnaa chahta hoon ke...aap se poochhna chaahoongaa...ye log jo footpath pe sote hain...kaun hain ye log...kahaan se aate hain yeh..inke paas na rahne ko ghar hai, na rozgar hai, na paisa hai, phir kyon chale aate hain yeh hamaare, khoobsoorat shaharon ki khoobsoorati pe baTTaa lagaane."

"ये  लोग जो फुटपाथ पे सोते हैं, कौन हैं ये लोग, कहाँ से आते हैं ये?"

This dialogue intially was intended to make people think about the reasons why people migrate to cities and sleep on footpaths. However these days it has become proverbial when you want to refer to someone who just doesn't deserve his or her job. So if you see the Indian cricket or hockey team playing badly, you can use this. If there are members of your staff who are not passing muster workwise, you can use this line. The original intended emotion has now got mutated. Probably because Arshad Warsi is a great comedic actor and people could not associate a serious line with him. 

I must confess the line that I had initially chosen was Boman Irani's line:

"lekin agar aap footpath par soyenge ...to marne ka risk to rahega hi"

But I fell prey to populism and went with this line instead. Both lines are great though. And very usable in day to day life. 

Counter 1 hr 57 minutes in the movie. 

paabandii hii baGaavat kii shuruaat hai

Film: Raees

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: IPS Majmudar (Nawazuddin Siddiqui)

Spoken to: Audience (As a voice over)

Dialogue writer: Rahul Dholakiya and others

As the film opens, Nawaz's voice over tells us the background to this film. The state of Gujarat. Where every day is a dry day. Over to Nawaz,
"Gujarat- aazaad bharat ka ek aisaa rajya, jahaan har din dry day hota hai – dry day matlab sharab bechna Khareedna band -  sharaab bechte huye pakDe jaane par, das saal ki sazaa tay hai, lekin, paabandii hi baGavat ki shuruaat hai..."
"पाबंदी ही बग़ावत की शुरुआत है..."

And therein lies the tale of Raees, which the film goes on to narrate.

Maine to aaj hi sunaa hai, ki is mui aspataal mein koi achchhaa bhi huaa hai

Film: Arjun Pandit

Year of release: 1976

Spoken by: Doodhwaali (Shubha Khote)

Spoken to: Arjun Sardaar (Sanjeev Kumar)

Dialogue writer: Gulzar

Arjun Sardaar's daughter Kusum was admitted to the local hospital in the village. She was suffering from high fever at that time. He is elated to find that in just one dose and in one night of treatment, she is completely fine. On the way to the hospital, he sees the milkmaid and shares this information with her. She is incredulous and responds with this great line, 

"Maine to aaj hi sunaa hai, ki is mui aspataal mein koi achchhaa bhi huaa hai"

"मैंने तो आज ही सुना है, कि इस मुई अस्पताल में कोई अच्छा भी हुआ है"

Shubha Khote was referring to a hospital in a faraway village in India in 1976. Think about the best hospital in the best cities in India. Does this line still apply to them as well?

By the way, this film is one of Hrishida's bad films. I don't know what frame of mind he was in!

Mere rules koi nahii.n toD saktaa...mai.n bhi nahii.n

Film: Dhoom

Year of release: 2004

Spoken by: Kabir (John Abraham)

Spoken to: Rahul (Aarav Chowdhury) 

Dialogue writer: Vijay Krishna Acharya

Typical cops and robbers movie featuring Suzuki Hayabusa bikes as the star. Very ironic dialogue this. Why I will tell you at the end. 

The gang of robbers work as waiters and delivery boys in a restaurant (as a front). After one successful heist, Rahul comes to the gang's den with a shiny new red car (Honda CR-X del sol). All the gang members appreciate the vehicle. 

Kabir indicates that he wants to take it out on a spin with Rahul.

As they approach a cliff, Kabir tells Rahul to jump off. A startled Rahul does that. A moment later, Kabir jumps off the car as well. The brand new car hurtles down the cliff and gets destroyed. 

The entire gang is gobsmacked. Rahul asks Kabir why he did that.

Kabir lights a cigarette and with swag says the following:

"tum bahut lucky ho Rahul. Us gaaDi mein tum bhi ho sakte the. 

ek waiter ke paas aisi gaaDii.

ham chor hain...dhuyen ki tarah hava mein gaayab ho jaate hain 

jis din police ko aag dikh gayi ...it's all over..."

And then comes the punch line.

"mere rules koi nahin toD saktaa...main bhi nahin"

"मेरे रूल्ज़ कोई नहीं तोड़ सकता, मैं भी नहीं"

It's a great line for a leader to use in any situation when he sets the right example. Say, the CEO of a company who has asked his staff to tighten the belt, finds that his secretary has booked him onto a business class seat. He can call and have that converted into Economy and use this line. 

Now let me tell you what's ironic about this line (from the perspective of this movie). 

The bike used by Kabir in the movie is a Suzuki Hayabusa. That would cost around Rs 14 lacs at current prices. The closes equivalent to the red Honda car would be a Honda Civic. That would cost around Rs 16 lacs at current prices. Whatever happened to the concept of "jis din police ko aag dikh gayi...it's all over"!

Though I think most cops would tend to look at a car as more expensive as compared to even the costliest bikes. 

That can be the only explanation for this faux pas. Otherwise, one can only remember the famous line of one of our politicians -

"Hypocrisy ki bhi seema hoti hai"
"हिपॉक्रिसी की भी सीमा होती है"

PaDos ke laDke ko aam ke peD pe chaDhaaye hain

Film: Bareilly ki Barfi

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: Chirag Dubey (Ayushmann Khurana)

Spoken to: Munna (Rohit Choudhary)

Dialogue Writer: Nitesh Tiwari & Shreyas Jain 

This is one of the rare well written films to come out of the Hindi film industry in the last 5 years. Also features a rare narration by Javed Akhtar. I am quite tired of Amitabh Bachchan's voice now in movies. Or Vijay Raaz's (though he is outstanding).

This is a turning point of the film. The otherwise decent Chirag turns nasty with this scene and tries to manipulate the straightforward Pritam Vidrohi (Rajkumar Rao). Chirag's childhoold friend Munna asks him the rationale of this step. Chirag says,

"PaDos ke laDke ko aam ke peD pe chaDhaaye hain. Neeche utregaa, aam khaane ko milenge...gir ke mar gayaa, terahvii kaa khaane ko milega. Is situation mein Rama haan bole yaa naa. BiTTi ka dil to TuuTna hi TuuTna hai."

"पड़ोस के लड़के को आम के पेड़ पे चढ़ाए हैं. नीचे उतरेगा, आम खाने को मिलेंगे...गिर के मर गया, तेरहवी का खाने को मिलेगा. इस सिचुएशन में रमा हाँ बोले या ना. बिट्टी का दिल तो टूटना ही टूटना है." 

I think all sciences will end in religion

Film: Guide

Year of release: 1965

Spoken by: Raju Guide (as Swami) (Dev Anand)

Spoken to: Foreign reporter (Unknown)

Dialogue writer: Vijay Anand

One of the reasons all Godmen find legitimacy is coverage in foreign press. During the long climax of Guide, Raju (who is being considered a holy man by the villagers) is deep into his 12 day long fast to bring rain. People are thronging the fast site from all over the country. So much so that it has caught the fancy of the foreign press as well. So there is this Foreign correspondent who asks the Swami a couple of questions

The first one is translated by her assistant and Raju answers in Hindi. 

Her second question is 

"In your opinion what is the place of religion in the modern scientific world?"

To her complete surprise, Raju answers in English,

"I think all sciences will end in religion".

She is now totally taken in by this holy man. Not because he is spiritually exalted, but because he can manifest that exaltation in English! 

But what a great line. In the last few years, we have been watching religion hitting back at science with a vengeance. To have foreseen that half a century ago! Goldie Saab was a sagacious man. 

zamiin par mil lag jaane se maa baap ban jaayegii

Film: Do Bigha Zameen

Year of release: 1953

Spoken by: Thakur Harnam Singh (Murad)

Spoken to: Shambhu Mahato (Balraj Sahni)

Dialogue writer: Paul Mahendra

The land acquisition issue in India is a vexed issue. However a look at this classic reveals that not much has changed after 70 years of independence. The zamindar is probably replaced by the industrialist and/or the government. The attitude and the mindset is still feudal. What do poor farmers know about the economy? We are here to provide them succour and a better lifestyle. So they should just sell the land and leave. 

In fact the industrialist in this movie also tells the zamindar - "sarkaar ab zamiindaari ko to rehne nahin degi, phir industry hi ki taraf kyon na qadam baDhaaye jaaye Thakur saab". 

In this scene, some industrialists approach Thakur for acquiring a patch of land in the village after their efforts to buy fail. Thakur calls his Naib and asks him to check how much money Shambhu owes him and summon him for a meeting the next day. 

When Shambhu comes to meet him, after some small talk, Thakur casually tells Shambhu,

"le zara anguthe ka nishaan to lagaa de is kaagaz par"

Thakur then offers to pay some money apart from writing off the entire loan account of Shambhu Mahato. 

Shambhu is recalcitrant. He says,

"zamiin to kisaan ki maa hai huzoor... maa ko bech doon?"

A scornful Thakur retorts,

"abe rahne de zamiin par mil lag jaane se maa baap ban jaayegii

zamiin se tujhe kyaa miltaa hai, mil me mazdoori karke bhar peT khaayegaa. aaraam ki neend soyega"

"अबे रहने दे, ज़मीन पर मिल लग जाने से माँ बाप बन जायेगी"

Shambhu still persists,

"Hajoor peD ko matti se hataa kar sone mein lagaa den to kya vo bach saktaa hai?"

However I think you know what happens in the movie. It's not a Ramesh Sippy film with a cinematic shubham ending. 

Mohalla bachaate bachaate shahar jalaa diyaa

Film: Raees

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: Raees (Shahrukh Khan)

Spoken to: Aasiya (Mahira Khan)

Dialogue writer: Rahul Dholakiya and others

The film is an extremely boring film. A sure shot cure for chronic insomnia. However, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. This dialogue is one such moment. Like many criminals, this bootlegger (Raees) too seeks legitimacy by moving to social work and politics. However, inadvertently he ends up becoming the mule for the transport of RDX used in the Mumbai bomb blasts. In a pensive moment, he confesses to his wife:

"mohallaa bachaate bachaate shahar jalaa diyaa"

"मोहल्ला बचाते बचाते शहर जला दिया" 

Jaldi kuchh na kiya to Toyota se Tata pe aanaa paDega

Film: Coffee with D

Year of release: 2017

Spoken by: Arnab Ghosh (Sunil Grover)

Spoken to: His wife Parul (Anjana Sukhani)

Dialogue writer: Aabhar Dadhich

Arnab is a senior editor in a TV news channel. His low ratings force his boss Roy (Rajesh Sharma) to deliver him a two month ultimatum. If the ratings do not pick up, he could be transferred to the 7pm to 8 pm slot from his current prime time slot. 

This forces him to concoct a plan to interview the notorious don D. When he comes home to his four month pregnant wife and breaks this news, she consoles him. She asks him not to worry. But he expresses his desperation through this dialogue to his wife:

"Life aise hi loan pe chal rahi hai"...

"Jaldi kuchh na kiya to Toyota se Tata pe aanaa paDega"

"जल्दी कुछ न किया तो टोयोटा से टाटा पे आना पड़ेगा "

Tata launched Nano in 2008 with great fanfare as a "lakhTakiyaa" car or a 1 lac Rs car. However, the upward mobility of the Indian lower middle class rejected the idea and even at its peak the car failed to scale the magic number of 1 lac units in a year. The car stopped manufacturing a year after the release of this movie. And though Tata has some very good premium sedans on offer, this dialogue kind of sums up the damage Nano caused to the brand. 

kitanaa nachaa rahaa hai

Film: Bade Miyaan Chhote Miyaan

Year of release: 1998

Spoken by: Chhote Miyaan (Govinda)

Spoken to: Zorawar Bhai (Paresh Rawal)

Dialogue writer: Rumi Jaffery

Bade Miyan and Chhote Miyan hatch a plan with the police commissioner to rescue the two heroines. They plan to drug Zorawar Bhai and gang. However, their plan fails and Zorawar says, "ab sirf ye donon khaini baby naachenge..come on baby dance".

Zorawar starts shooting and the two Miyans start dancing.

After dancing for three four minutes (on the song Assi nabbe poore taal), they collapse in exhaustion. Then Chhote miyan says,

"ae...(kya hai)... tum kya apne aap ko Mughal e aazam, ham log ka anarkali samajhtaa hai be..kitanaa nachaa rahaa hai."
"ऐ, तुम क्या अपने आप को मुग़ल ऐ आज़म, हम लोग का अनारकली समझता है बे, कितअना नचा रहा है"

Bade Miyan says, "Aap chaahenge to ham roz aakar aapke paas naach jaayenge...ek ghanTaa subah ek ghanTaa shaam. Lekin abhi to jaane do yaar"

Zorawar says, "jaake naacho varnaa goli maar doongaa".

This line has now acquired a cult status. Whenever your boss makes you run around in circles, you can crib using this line. If a public dealing government official is not clearing your file or issuing your certificate, use this line. Make sure you have a clear syllable between the 't' and 'n' in kitanaa. So, कितना not कित्ना.